I can run swiftly and silent...
I can run swiftly and silently when you want me to stay still, I can move slowly and cautiously and am yours to fill. You look at me often and yet you always forget me, I am the most feared killer, yet you can't live without me. Sometimes you have me for all to spare, Yet when you need me, I am not there. You can waste me, or cherish me, you choose the track, But once you're done you can never get me back. What is it?
Immaculate Misconception
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."