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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- Friar George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Friar Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Friar Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Friar Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Friar Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Friar Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
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