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Had my wedding recently.
I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick

I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel

People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock

I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen

How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh

Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith

Family is important, because they’re the only people who know what you’ve been through,
and that’s because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky

Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn

I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett

Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!’
That’s how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar

Photo credit Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com