Calculate the number 2147

My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

If A is for apple and B is for Banana, what’s C for?
Plastic explosives

My girlfriend broke up with me and took all my pasta.
She left me penne-less.