Can you count the number of ...

I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.